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its true that time heals wounds. but there are some things that remain incredibly raw through the years.
its been almost four years since my dad died, but it still hurts like hell when i think about it. the difficulties presented by this past month have not made matters easier. i feel overwhelmed, alone and lost a lot. whenever i feel at a low, i think of him, and i just sink. a carlos vives song comes up on itunes. i realize that i hardly share with people. its been so difficult this term. ive felt close to breaking down so many times recently. i need to stay strong and hold on for the rest of this term, but it is sometimes too much for me.
maybe i have yet to really deal with it.
maybe i havent spoken about it in so long that its bottling in.
i just know that i have to fight feeling down with all i have. i cant sink. but it is so hard. |
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May. 7th, 2007 @ 04:11 pm
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a common factor that most of my entries have is a realization that i dont update often enough.
it has been a while. this term has been one of the most taxing two month periods of my life. it has been difficult on several levels that compound to an overwhelming degree.
i decided to check out an engineering major by taking an all engs class load. mistake number 1. 3 engs classes is far too much work. individually, these classes would actually be interesting... or at the very least manageable. but as it is, i forwent working on an engine to write this entry. that engine has to be done by friday, and im nowhere near completing it. that engine has easily ruined the last few weeks of my life. i havent been strong enough to face it head on and it has become a mental monster for me.
this term jumped into high gear just as my body told me to take a break. two wednesdays ago i tried to work on a problem set for material science, but i couldnt because of a terrible pressure and pain in my stomach. enter stomach virus. i pretty much stayed in bed until sunday. i did go camping... but i passed out for most of it. during all that, i missed two deadlines... which could have crippled my grades. and since ive been trying to keep my head above the water that im treading.
im used to this kind of situation happening... but never this soon in the term. there are still 4 able weeks left... i dont know if i can really handle this kind of stress for four more weeks.
i must admit. i was on the verge of breaking down last week. when my stomach decided to act up again on thursday or wednesday or something. i was trying to work on a program that was already overdue and was convincing myself to give up on it and a couple over things i have to do. i decided to talk to kyle, who really helped me out. he reasoned with me and reassured me that at times it is necessary to let some things go, but others are obstacles that must be overcome. if i succeed this week, i place a lot of credit on him for motivating me.
enough of that though. classes arent everything.
liz came up to visit me this weekend. we had some fun on saturday night... all of which was tabard oriented. and last night we went to the third eye blind concert... which was pretty good. i mean... jumper and semi charmed life are kind of classics for our generation.
seeing her helped destress me quite a bit. always a good thing.
i grow increasingly disappointed by those around me. apathy creeps in and results in selfish tendencies. that or im too idealistic. but when is a better time to be idealistic?
ill make it. some way or another. ill survive the next two weeks (will be tougher than the final two) and rock out during green key.
any and all kinds of support are welcome. |
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Apr. 6th, 2007 @ 04:49 pm
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perhaps novelty is safer. |
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Mar. 28th, 2007 @ 02:51 am
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whoa, how the days just fucking fly.
im pretty sure i was in a coma for a couple of them. at home, i have no idea what is going on.
this spring break i will rule a bust. its like yeah, things happened, but was it worth the 350$ ride... no. being home is just lame. i honestly felt like i didnt belong there. it has become too fragmented for it to function properly, so i eventually sank into a hole and wallowed... and watched a shitload of vh1. i also spent quality time with my dog... who is pretty much the best creature in the world. i honestly think that humans would be much better off the wild..... but thats an entirely different discussion.
the highlights of the trip revolved around kenny, gretchen, and albert. there was also claudia and christian.. but that was only a movie so the interaction was limited... and of course i missed a ton of people because i became lazy and didnt want to organize shit. whatev. i probably wont be back before september... boo hoo.
theres a lot on mind regarding my direction in life. specially since my major card is due in about a week... and i have yet to even think about it. i should do engineering... but it will be too time consuming/boring. so i might mix it with studio art so that the work isnt so mindnumbingly dull. but i do love having spare time to fill up with other crap. i love tabard (although the incongruency(sp?) of some members really bothers me). i enjoy 99rock, regardless of how toolish some people there are. i would love to do more things... specially volunteer or take a p.e. class or something. i know i will get more involved in the film society... but thats a non-commitment... and my schedule apparently needs to be even more complicated. i should explore more options for activities.
i have also come to realize that i detest labels. fitting people into neat boxes is too convenient. im working on disabling my subconscious from doing that automatically on my behalf. i cant see how using terms related to ethnicity, religious beliefs, group membership, and even gender could help you know a person better. im convinced that the only way to do that is to talk to them and get to know them... or if that is too difficult to observe their actions and derive their character from that. this stems, primarily, from my dislike of being called a hispanic, white, "catholic" male. sure all of these titles fit me. but what do they really say about me? so really, im just dropping them all. i do not need to fit into any of those boxes, and i dont need to place other people into them. this is pretty much likening each person to a data sheet instead of a few words. this way, i must get to know someone in order to really meet them. and i feel that most people are worth at least that much. even the really lame ones... that have no personality... and i dont really connect to. because despite that... i do connect with them. they are human too, and their experiences are just as valid and instructive. my kantian end with all this is to be able to be friendly with more people, even those that i am not terribly fond of. its going to be a bitch not to bunch a person in with a box, because it is so second nature... but i honestly try to forget about that and just take their name as the only real label that i use up front. any other labels come later... once i know them and could put more accurate labels like needy or psychotic.
i also need to work on being more comfortable in my own skin. at times i hate myself. i look in the mirror and i detest what stares back. ive gotten over the pathetic part of the whole lack of self confidence. but i oughtta get some real self esteem soon. i mean, i cant be all a waste of life. right?
ive probably gone on for too long... and i should get to sleeping. |
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I'm hellbent on keeping this thing updated!
I could simply use the notes on facebook to blog... but I would prefer if 230 "friends" had to try harder to read something so occasionally personal.
so far I've met up with a few people, but there are still plenty to catch up with. sadly no parties or anything... its just too complicated at this point.
i have felt a surge of apathy while at home. i think it has to do with interacting with people that are apathetic themselves. going nowhere. indecisive. impulsive. mindless.
last night was just a romp through miami beach. saw the world erotic art museum... what a trip. i dont think albert has ever felt quite that much penis envy...
tonight, claudia wants to hit up a club. wonder what i will come up with.Current Music: my finger... is on the button... |
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im sitting in the tx.
third floor. house
vaporizer.
weed.
smoke,
trippy european music.
who would have predicted this three years ago.
how things change.
i went from a kid who hardly wanted to live to a wastoid.
5 people completely stoned. two half asleep
and three just hanging out.
i recall sitting behind kenny in calc bc... thinking that it was all pretty worthless.
now i know that trying too hard is, in fact, worthless.
why fight it, embrace it. why not just sit and enjoy the moment. techno eurotrash seems fitting.
gillian is leaving tomorrow morning. kirby is moving out. andrew is blasting the music... regretting the boy who was just on his bed with another girl. he hoped all term that he was really just in the closet and trying to reaffirm his masculinity with women.
kirby is struggling to stay awake... with one more paper due this term.
gillian lays asleep on one of the couches... she doesnt want to pack... saying goodbye may be more painful than she is willing to accept.
tiger lays on the other couch, crashcoursing his way through a term of greek before his fanal tomorrow morning. he regrets his relationship to his mother. being transgendered has made everything more difficult.
phil just walked out.
where do i fit in all this?
ill miss gillian dearly. she has such a different view on life. i will definitely need to find someone with a car and go to montreal in may just to visit her.
the song changed.... deeper base... i kind of want to ask andrew to send it to me. but he is kind of dead on his bed.
tiger has become a trustworthy friend. a former female, a former lesbian, a former muslim, tragically in love with a tall white woman who has become insecure and sad. he manages all this stress well....
he has proven to be a good drinking buddy... keeping me from dying in at least one instance.
andrew is very interesting.
now that phil left... we are all the same year. too bad this summer wont be a gathering of us again... gillian will be off somewhere....
the four or five empty beer bottles around the room speak of a night of celebration and general merrymaking.
my pledge term to this house was a fine one. i liked many of my class.
gillain and jamie were the closest to me. jamie.. my equal rager haha... both of us had a terrible monday... spent throwing up and passed out somewhere in this building.
rob and sam... brits who i didnt get to know at all.
laura... hmmmm
greg... im worried about this kid. he seems like a cool kid.. but he smokes entirely too much. he may have lost a part of himself.
:\
its over.
we are now tabards... ingrained in this house and it ingrained in us.
im oddly happy about my assignment for an older member... jmart is a sweet kid.
hmm
i dont know how my personality has changed... but it will be interesting to see how it changes as it goes back to miami and deals with the old stuff.
i wish i could feel more love.
iggy
Mar. 10th, 2007 @ 11:36 pm
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my life has changed radically.
winter term is almost over. thank god. it has been incredibly difficult.
since it has been a while, i feel that a story time is in order.
so the first night that i was back in Hanover for the term, i decided to go immediately to the Tabard (local fraternity). i hadnt eaten anything all day. i got shit faced... then decided to walk my ass home and pass out on my bed. i failed to pass out on my bed. i laid there for about 20 minutes or so holding on to the mattress for fear of falling off the face of the earth. i proceeded to making my way to the bathroom, where i threw up for a good long while and then passed out. security found me and took me to the clinic for, i guess, observation. i showed up to work the next day fucking drunk. that night cost me 107$, which luckily the health plan here will end up covering (FUCK YEA!). the saddest part was that when i arrived in my room, my roommate (while he still lived there, he was in the process of moving out) was on his bed on the phone with his girlfriend. he left when i decided to pass out. but apparently he didnt take note of the fact that i was no longer in my bed when he returned... and was still not back when he woke up in the morning. if he noticed, it didnt concern him enough to even shoot me a message.... asshole.
anyways. update!
school is hard or something...
my math major dreams were crushed this term (they were in the process of being destroyed last term) with real analysis. all proofs, all the time. and iggy didnt get it. i got an awesome 38/100 on the midterm and promptly dropped the class.
physics 2 is a much brighter spot. all i need to do is not faceplant the final. its enjoyable as long as i understand what is going on.
food in society is pointless. easy class. fun kids too.
still work at the copy center. and will keep working there.... fun.
also worked as a math tutor/ta. was alright i guess. money is money. and its not like i became a corporate whore.
i became involved on campus. i dj at 99rock (the commercial (not college radio) station on campus) and im working on becoming the music director (chooses music for the station) next term/next year. i really enjoy it. some of the people there are really cool, others are... as tiger puts it, not people.
i also go to dartmouth film society meetings, and listen to people being incredibly pretentious. its amusing and interesting. plus i love the film series that the society makes.
i decided to join tabard this term. its been a mixed bag really. its full of people that are "socially conscious" but are also massive stoners and dont get ANYTHING done. another sector is too fucked up most of the time to even be themselves. and finally, the kids that have struck a balance in their lives between hippie-dom and proactiveness are really sweet. usually its a cool place. got initiated on friday. that was a blast.
i feel as though ive done more this term than the sum of the other three terms. that is probably because i was attached in the past three terms and was unable to function properly.
roommate count: 0 for 2.
ray moved out. which actually was the best thing that has happened this term. living in the same space as him, made me lame, mostly because he was lame.
in retrospect, ben wasnt that bad.
next term another conservative is moving in... when is the housing office going to learn that i cant live with anyone... stay tuned for a shit show.
ive picked up a couple of vices this term. neither of which is really that bad. i rage too much. ive been going out 4 nights a week. usually coming back fairly wasted. although never blacked out, and only booting/passing out twice. impressive track record considering im one of the cheapest dates around.
as for movies....
i have not really caught too many this term.
among the best are:
lady vengeance - a korean movie about psycho killing and kidnapping. a masterpiece that rocks all of your senses. recommended to anyone with a strong constitution or heavy desensitization to violence.
alien - fucking awesome. wrote the textbook on horror movies.
marie antoinette - nice, period piece. kind of a drag sometimes.
a clockwork orange - WOW. so strong, amazing.
the departed - piece of shit. i have never been so confused by beautiful directing/good acting clashing with the worst script ever. even george lucas is not this predictable. what a waste of american culture.
shortbus - such a great movie about humanity. an exploration of the dynamics of intimate relationships. dont bother watching this if you really dont know what a relationship is.
all recommended except for the departed. please watch the original instead. internal affairs (hong kong).
i miss a lot of people. everything is becoming so time consuming.
im going to be in miami march 12-25/6.
i want to see as many people as possible during that time.
also come visit me. kenny, vanessa, and liz have already come up.... its an awesome place. its worth the trouble.
plus i will smother you with all the love that overflows from my being. :)
-Iggy
Mar. 4th, 2007 @ 03:44 pm
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reading time...
classes ended yesterday. im glad. two of them have lasted much longer than they should. turned in my term paper for my american architectural history class. i wrote about braddock... 8 pages on that place i wanted to leave so badly. im proud of how it turned out.
tests... history on saturday... should be alright. hopefully i can better my midterm... maybe then ill crack A- for the class.
linear algebra. wtf. why do we have a final. just so that i could sit for three hours while a packet of papers could rape me. ill be estatic with a b- here
writing 5 - no final.. just a paper..what a relief... im not capable of writing a paper that she likes. so my grades have done the following: c/c- then c+/c then b-/c+
what am i going to get on my final one?
im betting a b/b-
FUCK THAT SHIT
too much time to spend on a paper for a class im probably going to get c in.
i get to miami 12/6
mark your calendars... i have a lot of raging to catch up on.
Nov. 30th, 2006 @ 08:18 pm
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i should just stop being a lil bitch about making decisions...
see i have like 3 choices about this coming weekend.
1) go to attleboro with my roommate and hang out with his friends and family
2) go to vermont and hang out with sophie and her fam and such
3) stay here with my papers as company
as for fun.. i think number 2 is the safest bet
for getting crap done... which i need to do... 3 is a decent choice
but for the roommate friendship ties thing... which have become increasingly shitty... 1 is the only choice.
if i dont go itll be a conscious decision to throw a ton of awkward space between ray and i, but then again 5 days with him and his family and his friends are just appearing to be so daunting. i dont want to sit at the dinner table across from his grandparents on thursday... and have the beady eyes of 10 people leering at me and the metal i sport on my face. also, ive gotten the notion that we shouldnt spend so much time together... if i didnt get that, ray has made it rather clear that being in the room is a drag and he does it only to be nice. fucking christians... should express themselves. anyways, in my mind, if i dont go, i will have convinced myself that i dont want to put my part in the friendship and it has much less value than what i had originally placed on it.
idontknow
should i just lay with my cynicism and stay?
or should i try, at the chance of having an awful 6 days, to save a friendship?
what the fuck is wrong with me, seriously
Nov. 21st, 2006 @ 02:28 am
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rawr
the term is beginning to take its toll.
living in small spaces with other humans... is getting to me - maybe i wasnt meant to share a living space. evidence = i end up fighting with everyong ive lived with... intensely... mother..sister...ben.... thats not a good list to end up on
classes arent so sweet.
i mean, its an ivy, but damn its hard
math 24 - first mid term: 61.... ive seen worse. median: 77... ok thats pretty bad.... t-1 week before i drop the ball again
writing 5 - first essay: C wtf. she wrote about two pages in reply to my four page paper talking about the paradigm shift from nation-state to global organization. i didnt think it was that bad.... ive spent about a week rewriting it. still not terribly happy with. paper two: due monday, thats gonna suck
art history 52: yay a fucking bright spot. 86, right smack in the middle of the curve. that made me happy. like for serial.
if that reference means nothing to you - you dont share my hobby of watching south park while at work....
my social life is pretty akin to a long corridor with many closed doors (with the key sticking out of the lock on my side) and others lead to the empty void of nowhere. no meaningful relationships really. my roommate and tiger are the closest things to meaningful here at dartmouth. roommate im ambivalent about. tiger... i wish i could make her a bigger influence in my life, cuz that would make me a better person, or an alcoholic... either way, a more useful member of society.
as for feeling loved: its tough getting any love in the land of whites. they dont have emotions. neither do asians. they really dont. so i guess ill have to wait until people from miami visit (which they are!).
kenny is coming up in two weeks. thats going to be mad amounts of love. and the following weekend vane is coming up. yay
i guess being single leads to feeling alone... i mean, go figure. i know im a decent enough person, but i just cant bring myself to allow someone to get that close to me. i feel as though im surrounded by a circuit of bear traps, and nothing i do can really let me out or anyone into my clearing. each time someone gets close, something fucked up happens... like the bear traps all go off - killing off any chance we could have had at being close.
i see a cycle. and im beginning it anew now. this is the part when i have just learned from a mistake and try to actively apply it, by going about things differently. but i can see im headed into a tunnel that is curving back onto the same track that i always end up on.
when i come out on the other side... ill be a junior, in a single room, taking classes i dont want to take - just to satisfy someone else.
maybe gilligan is right - kohlberg was wrong. development goes selfish -> selfless -> balance. and im fucking stuck. im stuck on selfless, not standing up for myself.
i dont really expect anyone to have read this far. this is mostly for my own use. since i dont feel as though i can talk to someone about it. ive tried, i sound like a whinny bitch, i get boring, but nothing gets resolved. and ill be back here again...saying i wont fall in again, that this time ill be different, and i wont care any longer. but thats not possible, thats too thick a piece of my heart to rip out and still have me alive.
Oct. 26th, 2006 @ 12:59 am
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